Waiting to be a mom was a scary thing.
I remember saying to myself...
"I'll feel okay when I get to the end of the first trimester."
Then I said, " I'll feel okay when I get to week "27."
"I will feel better when I am at the hospital"
"I'll be able to breathe once I am holding him in my arms and know he is healthy."
After I had him I said...
"I'll feel good when I can get him home and my mom will be alongside us, helping us."
I said all those things.
And really, the truth is...
When you're a mom you never fully feel okay, or better, or good. Mostly you do, but some days you just don't. There are days of worry and wondering and watching to see if they are still breathing while they sleep.
And you never breathe the same after you breathe life into another. You never breathe the same because you're holding on to moments, wishing for more time to take back milestones and redo them, just so you can experience, and remember, and watch life happen again.
And you forget who you were. Because who you were freefalls from the plane the minute a new life lands... and you just can't remember you. You lose your life, really. Just as Christ lost his. He layed down life so on earth we could live.
And when I pushed, and screamed and experienced a pain like I'd never known-- I layed down my life for him. And because of that my son can live and he can understand love and what it really means.
You hear about how time grows wings and a propeller and woooshhh you suddenly have a teenager. You hear about love and how it takes off and never comes back down. You hear about God and how a child is the greatest gift he gives, beside his Grace.
I heard a lot. And all of it was true.
This year has been the most beautiful year of my life. There was good and there was bad. There were tears and confusion and a loss of self. But mostly, beautiful.
Today is Weston's first birthday. He landed last year at 5:25 p.m. I plan to celebrate his life all day. Because life is a celebration in itself. And I don't want to miss out on this day because it will never come back.
I hope we end each year saying, "Wheww, what a ride."
Because life should be a ride. It's meant to be a wild, but beautiful ride.
I've learned a lot and I've learned a little.
Mainly I've learned how to love a little more, and worry
a little less. Give a little more and take a little less.
But mostly, I've learned to live Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not
on your understanding, and in all your ways acknowledge
Him and He will make your path straight."
Breathe that in today and breathe out trust as you remember His plan for you.
Enjoy your landings today friends.
And remember to bring home a few souvenirs while you're out in that
great big world today.
What have you learned this year?
If you have time to lengthen your landing, take a listen to Amos Lee singing,
"I've learned a lot" It's a great song!